Living with an Addict....it can happen to anyone

I think the more pills are handed out perhaps that the ability to obtain drugs that we really shouldn't have becomes easier. Easier yet; the slippery slope of addiction. Not all of us go to Anonymous meetings. However for those of you that live or are close to addiction afflicted life is more than a struggle. It's a fight to survive the oppressive personality that is near you. I lived for 2 years with a heroin addict. For two years I heard the following excuses of why he'd have needle marks:

"The cat scratched me, it just hasn't healed yet." Our cat had never scratched me. Chloe (feline) was a very affectionate. Nothing pissed her off. Not even my pug. I'd never seen her even hiss at my boyfriend let alone scratch him.

"I picked at my scab." Now it's possible...but you need to know what the signs of a fresh needle mark looks like. Usually there is a bit of bruising, sometimes even swelling and redness. They are amature plebotomists these needle using addicts. They aren't really looking for accuracy, just as long as most of the injectable is put somewhat into their veins.

I can't in good conscience show you each drug. Heroin was what I am very able to detect but each photograph of illicit drugs are available by making a search online.See the slight reddening of the small capilliaries around the mark. This is from continued use in a specific area. The addict causes almost a vertical striping around the region. I started my blog with this photo. You'll notice it up above. Next I will show you how to identify the drug you are dealing with. First is Black Tar Heroin. China White is another. Black Tar heroin is the most accessible. China white is predominatly used by those with money. It's a secondary process. It's predominate in upper class society as well as west coast for a moderate increase in cost. Black Tar heroin sells for about $50 for 2-3 hits. It's widespread available. I've seen it listed in craigslist.org (I reported it) and it was quickly removed.

It is hugely addictive and it can change a loving soul into an addled, exhausted, lazy, unconscious, robbing, and downright great actor. I once had Joseph (*name changed for legal reasons) come into our home that we shared sobbing hysterically. Tears streaming down his face. He ran upstairs and locked himself in our room. The hystrionics were complete fabrication. I think for the most part, it was a vocal camophlage meant to hide the sounds of his utter relief in shooting up in our bedroom. Later he passed out. The sobbing subsided and I picked the lock to the bedroom only to find a used needle next to the bed on the nightstand and a burnt spoon in his hand from cooking it. Later he tried to tell me he had removed the needle and the spoon from a guy he had intitiated into using BT Heroin. He said it really had affected him to the point of knowing that he had started Cody on the path that he was struggling to stay off of; addiction. Utter lie. The problem with discernment is that when you're an enabler, when you're in this relationship with a bottom feeding leech like Joseph. You lie to your own self. There is nothing about the relationship that is real other than eachother's pain.

Signs that you're in deep with an addict and need help getting out.

* Depression

*Carelessness- you don't care that he's using...he's even doing it in your bed with you next to him.

*Hygiene issues

* You're treasured items end up pawn slips or become missing

*ANY abuse in the relationship

*your bank account is a series of withdrawls that you're positive you didn't do. ( in this case it's actually a good thing. You can be empowered to put the addict in jail.) Go to your bank. Explain with great humbleness and honesty the hell you are in. Inform them of what you suspect and ask to SEE the tapes of withdrawl or cancelled checks. As long as you contact local authorities and follow through with filing against them you can get your funding back in order as well as start the addict into a forced option of sobriety-jail.

None of this is pretty and not everyone will go through it in their lifetime, but if you are there is help. Go to a trusted source and ask for them to step in and rescue you from this situation. Move back in with a family member or close friend who despises this individual. Contact authorities and make good on financial theft. For two reasons this must be done. It's an act of love as well as protecting your identity. If this person has the ability to get access to your account, your Social Security number and credit is at risk. You will need to heal in a safe environment. Continueing to live with this individual can only bring heartache. These drugs are meant to kill...not to sedate. You may walk in to find them deceased in your home. You can be indicted or sued in civil court depending on what the police find in your home.

I once told Joseph that while he used the rest of his loved ones carried his baggage for him. We felt the pressure, emotional pain, and saddness at seeing him deteriorate and wondering if this was the last day he'd be with us. For me personally it was an extended funerary process. I was just consistantly bracing myself for what I would find.

The worst part for me is when I know for sure that he was dosing me with Methadone. Methadone is a drug process that is meant to eliminate the narcotic high but also assist the addict with not going into a dry cleaning up process. Sometimes this process of becoming sober can kill an individual. I got Joseph into a heroin free program with therapy and methadone treatment. It was pink liquid dispensed in a daily form. I remember finding out he'd put it in my soda so that he could shoot up heroin instead. Methadone is one of the drugs that helped to kill both Anna Nicole Smith and her Son Daniel. I vomited copiously trying to expell this toxin. So much so that I vomited literally 360 degree's in our bathroom. Joseph and his friend Marty (who I believe gave him this idea) could have killed me. Essentially it was a form of attempted murder. To this day it's unbelievable that I even survived living with him. Daily when this guy is brought up to me or I think about life with him I am so embarrassed and shamed. I remember not having enough money for food, for electricity, for rent, for cleaning my clothing. I remember having somebody come up to me at work and telling me she would wash my clothing for me so that I wouldn't have to look like I was. I was so humbled and very grateful to this woman. What a little thing like offering help feels like for those being offered assistance. It's the most humble and grateful moment. I remember working a night shift at a grocery warehouse and throwing away food that may have been punctured. I remember how hungry and exhausted I was and having to throw that food away was close to torture. I would have eaten it. At the time I was eating specks of unknown food in my freezer. I drank water to stave off the hunger.

I'm an epileptic with generalized (all over) Tonic Clonic and Petit Mals that occur under severe stress...I had close to 10 Grand Mal's the final straw being where I had to be administered medication to stop a cluster of Grand Mals which eventually become fatal. I ripped out my arm during a siezure attack that was preceded by him pawning his guitar and draining my bank account before rent was due 3 days. I had to have it surgically reattached. His mother took care of me. It was a horrible situation. It is sad that I had to literally be ripped apart to realize I had to love myself more than he ever could. The day I left to move home to my family he stole 3 checks and cashed them at check cashing places. He sat in my empty apartment and shot up he says that he was hoping to die because the pain was so severe. To this day that man is still shooting up. He's never attempted to become dedicated to sobriety. He uses rehab to open up check books and wallets and plays on women that need validation.

What Joseph cost me was : My dignity, 30,000 dollars of debt, continual embarrassment, and a will to have something much better than that life ever could. He gave me a reason to find ambition, self worth, and a healthy fear of intimacy. I hope this sad tale gives somebody strength to move on from their bleak life they are leading with an addict. They have to want to be sober themselves. We cannot provide anything to them without enabling them. This includes shelter, love, clothing and food. They would give all just for that Tar.Realizing you can't beat another's addiction is trying. You can walk away. You can rebuild yourself. Stronger, better, you have the ability to do all.

Standing at the corner of crass and stupidity is where i'm from...but it's not where I'm headed.