I wrote this in 2004. Long time ago when I was "single" without a child. Bridget Jones was in the theater, Dr. Phil was promoting his "diet" pills and plan. You remember right? Turns out he was sued and had to do a settlement with most of his clientele, but that's water under the bridge. I'm posting it in spurts. Each day will come a percentile of a full blog.
Diatribe of a Fat Woman on a Deaf and Thin Society (2004)
It wasn’t until I’d already lost 30 pounds, that the desire to write this Diatribe had even come to me. It really isn’t about my journey of losing weight, don’t get me wrong though, it plays a gargantuan part-150 pounds loss is nothing to sneeze at, it is the loss of my physiological twin and a safety blanket. No, the writing of this continual progression was precluded by the society in which I survived in as a fat woman. It wasn’t one that made me want to lose the weight it was one that made me feel like I should stay right where I was. I felt that I gave every one something to gasp about, to compare themselves on this yard stick of physicality and beauty that these thick airbrushed models find themselves; in my mind it was always right before they bought that magazine and before “you know who” came around the corner.
Some of you may not be able to identify with the anger that this portrays but for 64% of Americans this is their day to day life. We are not talking about 10 pounds here and there, but morbid obesity, where the person affected is 40% fatty tissue. Just now people are starting to get in line and “look” at it: our Pink Elephant in the corner, so to speak. The American Medical Association has recognized that there is an alarmingly increased risk to Americans over the years, noting that even casket’s have had to be enlarged. When you ask most obese persons if they had the opportunity to have the bariatric surgery (gastrointestinal) most would say: “I would rather die than be fat.” But the sad fact remains that some do. They die from complications leaving behind families grieving in their wake. They die on the surgical table that day because of issues from blood pressure or clotting, things no one could have seen, or even after surgery an embolism; just when you think you’re out of the woods. I was going to have Bariatric Surgery. My father, a pharmacist, pleaded me to think about the long road not 3 years down from now, which is what every one kept showing me, but the 50 year one. What was going to happen to me? Relatively the gastric bypass patients of today are the ones that will tell us what will happen to those in geriatric times and to be honest, I’m not sure I’m willing to risk that if I’ve made it that long. I want a functioning intestine esophagus, and stomach. I give kudos to those who are doing it though, you are in fact medical miracles, and your bravery is a testament all to itself. We are all still what we were, sisters and brothers, and we need to be united against this disease.
Society itself is all to ready to let other destructive addictions be diminutized over obesity because it’s so obvious; however each of the below listed addictions are just as destructive. Addiction is addiction is addiction. Let’s take an in depth look at some of the other types of addictions that are considerably less taboo. I’ll go over each of them too.
· Alcoholics
· Mia & Ana
· Net Addiction
But I’m getting ahead of myself, as I so love to do….let’s continue on with me and my addiction, Obesity, and let’s have some fun with the subject, because why else would you bother to read it?
Some of you may not be able to identify with the anger that this portrays but for 64% of Americans this is their day to day life. We are not talking about 10 pounds here and there, but morbid obesity, where the person affected is 40% fatty tissue. Just now people are starting to get in line and “look” at it: our Pink Elephant in the corner, so to speak. The American Medical Association has recognized that there is an alarmingly increased risk to Americans over the years, noting that even casket’s have had to be enlarged. When you ask most obese persons if they had the opportunity to have the bariatric surgery (gastrointestinal) most would say: “I would rather die than be fat.” But the sad fact remains that some do. They die from complications leaving behind families grieving in their wake. They die on the surgical table that day because of issues from blood pressure or clotting, things no one could have seen, or even after surgery an embolism; just when you think you’re out of the woods. I was going to have Bariatric Surgery. My father, a pharmacist, pleaded me to think about the long road not 3 years down from now, which is what every one kept showing me, but the 50 year one. What was going to happen to me? Relatively the gastric bypass patients of today are the ones that will tell us what will happen to those in geriatric times and to be honest, I’m not sure I’m willing to risk that if I’ve made it that long. I want a functioning intestine esophagus, and stomach. I give kudos to those who are doing it though, you are in fact medical miracles, and your bravery is a testament all to itself. We are all still what we were, sisters and brothers, and we need to be united against this disease.
Society itself is all to ready to let other destructive addictions be diminutized over obesity because it’s so obvious; however each of the below listed addictions are just as destructive. Addiction is addiction is addiction. Let’s take an in depth look at some of the other types of addictions that are considerably less taboo. I’ll go over each of them too.
· Alcoholics
· Mia & Ana
· Net Addiction
But I’m getting ahead of myself, as I so love to do….let’s continue on with me and my addiction, Obesity, and let’s have some fun with the subject, because why else would you bother to read it?
Like Father, Like Child…..
I’ve always been a big girl, but to be honest I never noticed it as much until I was in kindergarten when my dad brought it up at dinner one night: “Do you really need to eat that, honey?” he said as I reached for some macaroni salad that mom had made that day. I can recall that I liked the salad, but she always put Velveeta cheese cubes in it, and I always picked them out because I hate Velveeta cheese. To this day my memory shows me hesitating and pulling back, hurt because he had never said anything like that before. It wasn’t until I was much older that I found out my dad had been a fat kid as a child as well. His story was achingly similar to mine. He once told me that he had had kids throw rocks at him and called him: “fatty, fatty, 2 by 4,”as they chased him home from school. He went home that very night and told his mom: “I’m tired of being fat; I’m going to lose weight.” He said with his lower lip stuck out stubbornly. My grandma can recall this story so well. “And he did” she says. “I didn’t believe he would though,” she says, “I thought that this would just be like all the other times, but he did it.” At the tender age of 11 and 104 lbs my dad went to the town doctor with my grandma and tipped the scales and became obsessive about weight loss. I can still recall his biggest victory; it used to echo in my head as I ate a doughnut. “I hollowed out Pickles, filling them up with Ketchup and that’s what I did to lose weight.” I used to think to myself who could ever do that to themselves? How can a person eat for one: ketchup, for two: just keep eating it until they were thin, and finally for three: How would I EVER MEASURE UP to this person who had lost all of this weight and had proven such willpower- what kind of weakling was I? I don’t think I ever came to terms with this until late in my 20’s when I realize that there was no way in god’s green pasture that I would ever be able to be as incredibly insane about weight as my father was. He was always single-minded when it came to drive and ambition, whereas, I wondered where mine was. I wish I could be like him, but it makes me sad, sometimes, that he doesn’t realize he’s become the bully that chased him and threw rocks. Maybe he felt good about the fact he was the “skinny” one in our family or maybe he just felt ashamed of all of us. It would be hard to tell. He’s always been willing to help us lose weight but it took him many years before he learned how to let it be out choice and not his will bending us to his desire for us to lose it. I grew up sometimes thinking he didn’t love me and that hurt so much, and now I know he was just scared that my weight would kill me and that he didn’t want anybody to make fun of me like he’d been made fun of.
My mother , like my father,was always there for me and has been all her life. I don’t think I would have been able to deal with my father’s obsessive “disorder in the house mentality” had it not have been for her. All of us in my family have had weight loss problems, none of which have been as extreme as I. She would hold me when I cried, and tell me not to worry, he was just having a bad day-she knew how I felt. I knew she did because she always was telling us how fat she was. We always felt this way, when I say we, I mean my brother, sister, mother, and I. I assume my father equally insecure, but maybe I’m wrong about all of that. My mother always made things funny. She’s bright and fun like sunshine and Cartoons on a Saturday Morning. She taught compassion, enlightenment and while driving in a car one must swerve in the gravel road just for fun.
My mother , like my father,was always there for me and has been all her life. I don’t think I would have been able to deal with my father’s obsessive “disorder in the house mentality” had it not have been for her. All of us in my family have had weight loss problems, none of which have been as extreme as I. She would hold me when I cried, and tell me not to worry, he was just having a bad day-she knew how I felt. I knew she did because she always was telling us how fat she was. We always felt this way, when I say we, I mean my brother, sister, mother, and I. I assume my father equally insecure, but maybe I’m wrong about all of that. My mother always made things funny. She’s bright and fun like sunshine and Cartoons on a Saturday Morning. She taught compassion, enlightenment and while driving in a car one must swerve in the gravel road just for fun.
*****First post*******
MY COMMENTARY : looking back, my father was a part of this fight with fat. He is no longer the bully, but more supportive in my struggle to lose weight than then. I needed to write this in 2004 simply to get it out and look at my feelings in black and white. However it doens't stand to what I was taught and that is to "honor thy mother and father". I dishonored him by my thoughts and anger, and for that I am sorry.
Medical breakthru's have prompted a second look at the disease of Obesity. Bariatric surgery was in it's infancy in 2004. Lap Banding had just been opened to the public. Gastric bypass Celebrity Advocate Carnie Wilson had just televised her surgury to help other suffer's with obesity. Dying to be thin was now possible with the the drugs Phentermine and Effedra. For the seriously obese being thin was now not just attainable, but a reality.....if you had he right insurance and money.
Not much has changed now except for the public's acceptance of the disease. People understand more but still hate the same; but that will never change. We just had a Lousiana Justice refuse to marry an interacial couple due to concern of the possiblity of offspring that MAY or MAY NOT have issues.
There is still an underlying part of this blog which rings true. That is the feelings of worth and self confidence or lack there of due to feeling inadequate, the inability to have self discipline and how weak this made us. Perception of how others feel is also part of the Heavy burden of weight. Employers would rather have an attractive sales person than a "sloppy" looking one.
We are making strides to combat this illness. I hope that as the holiday seasons come upon those that are struggling we learn to stop the feelings of self abuse and enjoy what we have in front of us right now. Family & Friends that love us regardless of size. To not become a social wallflower due to the clothing we have available to wear. Have a good time, be conscious of what we can do to combat it and make decisions without fear of retribution both near and far of your tablescape.
Love to you from the corner of Crass and Stupidity....
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