I know we’re lumpy, bumpy, top heavy, pear shaped, flat butted, whatever, but for crying out loud what the hell are some of you thinking? I went into a store the other day and I was HORRIFIED. Y’all had us ready for open range shooting-but as the TARGETS!!! Every animal print known to man was available: Tiger, zebra, leopard, giraffe, and if I’d kept looking I’m sure I’d have found a water buffalo. That wasn’t even the worst part of it. Nope, if we weren’t already wide enough y’all want to draw attention to us by adding puff paint, iron on fish, blinking lights, and lace by the pound and my personal favorite: 7 inch fringe hanging off under the arms of a long sleeved dress. What is it that offendeth thou so? Did a fat man stand one of you up? Did a fat woman step on your toe or eat your slice of cheesecake? Retailers are no better, so you had better scurry now too! If I had $100 to drop on a pair of pants, I’d have my own MTV show with my best fat friend! You guys must think that we’re padding the inseam of these size 24 pant’s w/ cash-let me inform the best of you that we aren’t-unless of course you’re a liposuction doctor in Beverly Hills….that could get into the billions here; we might even be able to solve the national deficit with this kind of cash! I then hand over my wallet to the retail cashier they take my cash;$65 for a shirt, $100 for a pair of pants, later on as I head out the door with my purchases I decide I’d almost rather talk to Dr. Phil.
Curses Again! Foiled with a Fat Fanny in the Land of HollyWeird…
What is the big stinking deal here people? Renee Zellewegger was allowed to go to a smorgasbord or two and you act like this should make CNN headlines or something! Please! The woman is healthier than she’s looked in years, and y’all are stunned that she can find enough cloth to wrap herself in! Are you kidding me? She has millions, so I’m sure she has a sweatshop full of designer’s down in her basement working overtime for the exposure on what a genius they are for draping her in silk and organdy around her curvaceous hips and newly formed breasts. That alone just makes me laugh. Can you imagine that back-lot deal? “I’ll give you $50,000 per original outfit you design for this star, catch is: BABY’S GOT BACK!.... Gee, I don’t know” I wonder if they called in the Lane Bryant design team- how many bullets of sweat appeared on the forehead of Dior Design INT’L? However, I’ll tell you what is going to be horrible for her and every other women who listen to people like Harry Blackwell and Joan Rivers (who really should take a look in the mirror when dishing out advice on beauty) in Tinsel town, the continual up and down dieting brought on by the lure of a possible $20 million paycheck. We are talking serious side affects that I don’t think that the film industry thinks about more than the occasional side salad investigation between their afternoon delight and their bikini wax.
Let’s talk skin, since Hollywood is fascinated with body image especially when it comes to close-ups. Extreme weight gain causes stretch marks which isn’t a big thing, just road maps of the Mississippi across your hips! How about Gallbladder disease where the pain is so intense you don’t need the mafia to kick you in the stomach, your spasming gallstone helps you with that? Heart disease, diabetes, and bulimia, anorexia, so on and so forth but with a $20 million dollar paycheck that who cares it all evens out in the end, right?
So, what could possibly be the solution? Let’s actually have FAT Actors. Granted it’s a revolutionary idea and you may have on site food bills more staggering than the price of a side salad and a personal pizza divided for 12, but you may be surprised at the “Quality Control” that would dominate over the screen. Let’s get ones that are fat no matter what time of year, no matter what the issue, and ones that do a decent job of it. I’m sure that there are some actors that would fit this bill; you may have to leave L.A. to find them, but can’t you just hear some excited intern for MGM yelling “Sweet, Roadtrip!!” Come on, it would the highlight of his career there, gathering the fat and talented across the country to his side. Let’s just not take Simon Cowell along for this talent search however, the fat are all to ready to roast this English “gentleman” for tea time as it is.
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