What is the big stinking deal here people? Renee Zellewegger was allowed to go to a smorgasbord or two and you act like this should make CNN headlines or something! Please! The woman is healthier than she’s looked in years, and y’all are stunned that she can find enough cloth to wrap herself in! Are you kidding me? She has millions, so I’m sure she has a sweatshop full of designer’s down in her basement working overtime for the exposure on what a genius they are for draping her in silk and organdy around her curvaceous hips and newly formed breasts. That alone just makes me laugh. Can you imagine that back-lot deal? “I’ll give you $50,000 per original outfit you design for this star, catch is: BABY’S GOT BACK!.... Gee, I don’t know” I wonder if they called in the Lane Bryant design team- how many bullets of sweat appeared on the forehead of Dior Design INT’L? However, I’ll tell you what is going to be horrible for her and every other women who listen to people like Harry Blackwell and Joan Rivers (who really should take a look in the mirror when dishing out advice on beauty) in Tinsel town, the continual up and down dieting brought on by the lure of a possible $20 million paycheck. We are talking serious side affects that I don’t think that the film industry thinks about more than the occasional side salad investigation between their afternoon delight and their bikini wax.
Let’s talk skin, since Hollywood is fascinated with body image especially when it comes to close-ups. Extreme weight gain causes stretch marks which isn’t a big thing, just road maps of the Mississippi across your hips! How about Gallbladder disease where the pain is so intense you don’t need the mafia to kick you in the stomach, your spasming gallstone helps you with that? Heart disease, diabetes, and bulimia, anorexia, so on and so forth but with a $20 million dollar paycheck that who cares it all evens out in the end, right?
So, what could possibly be the solution? Let’s actually have FAT Actors. Granted it’s a revolutionary idea and you may have on site food bills more staggering than the price of a side salad and a personal pizza divided for 12, but you may be surprised at the “Quality Control” that would dominate over the screen. Let’s get ones that are fat no matter what time of year, no matter what the issue, and ones that do a decent job of it. I’m sure that there are some actors that would fit this bill; you may have to leave L.A. to find them, but can’t you just hear some excited intern for MGM yelling “Sweet, Roadtrip!!” Come on, it would the highlight of his career there, gathering the fat and talented across the country to his side. Let’s just not take Simon Cowell along for this talent search however, the fat are all to ready to roast this English “gentleman” for tea time as it is.
Roles for the Image Oppressed…Let’s Think this through Carefully
We’re bigger than you, we sit around more than you, and we might not run faster than you do, but we have a lot of spare time to think about what we may do should you tick us off. We’re in some way very much like a Twinkie; soft on the outside and filled but filled with rage. Don’t piss on us Hollywood. Let’s talk about some big mistakes first.
Shallow Hal- Putting Gwyneth Paltrow in a fat suit and parading her around as something to be laughed at; not funny. Shame on you Ms. Paltrow you’ve always shown such grace and dignity in your roles such as Shakespeare in Love, Sliding Doors, and The Talented Mr. Ripley that it blew me away that you would choose to do this demeaning piece of cinematic trash. What would you do if your daughter Apple ever ended up “fat” doubtful with the genetic structure, but it could happen! Shame on the Production Crew, who actually pushed to get this unethical piece of garbage made into a movie. Then there is Jack Black, what to say, what to say? No words will be wasted on this man he really isn’t worth the time it takes to type them. I had to console 3 friends when this film came out. They all believed the hype that this would be a pleasant movie going experience; funny and uplifting-right! I warned them not to go and spend their $8 on a movie that I thought was going to be one giant “point and laugh at the fat girl” moment. They went anyway, and I stayed at home. Halfway through the film I received a tearful call from my friend Jennifer*, who was crying because the punch lines to the film were portraying
ideas that weren’t funny to her because she felt that the audience who was laughing and whooping it up, was going to be staring at her when the film ended and applying the film to her as a punch line as well. To give another varied view of what this film is like, why would it be funny to portray the life of Matthew Shepard’s as a humorous event?
How about 10 Ways to Escape from Nazi War Crimes as the newest comedy to hit the streets; the same rule applies to that of the fat, but our nation just believes that pot shots at us are justified because we obviously don’t have willpower to handle our weight. Don’t think that we not decking you after you say something crass doesn’t take willpower! We have it in spades!
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